Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm a day early, but tomorrow will be pretty hectic since we'll be packing up and hauling ourselves and a baby 2.5 hours north.

So, Happy Thanksgiving!

This year has been one that has given me so much for which to be thankful. On January 10th, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It was so exciting knowing that our lives were about to change forever. After having a miscarriage in August of 2011, I was anxious about being pregnant again. I was so afraid I'd lose this baby, too. But time passed, we heard a strong heartbeat, and my belly started expanding as the baby grew. March 2nd, we found out it was a boy. In June, we picked the name Rowan Bennett. And after what felt like a lifetime of waiting, Rowan was born in September.

Since then, I've spent every day with him, watching him grow and change so rapidly. He smiles and coos at us daily now. He's starting to discover his hands, which for him involves lots of fist-sucking. It's adorable! For a week or so, he had suddenly begun screaming his little head off for a couple hours a night. We were SO frustrated. Nothing we did could calm him, and I would end up crying as I held this angry, sobbing baby. I finally took him to the chiropractor a couple days ago and they did some adjustments, and we've had two lovely, peaceful, normal nights since then. I'm definitely a believer in the power of good chiropractic care! It's been wonderful having my happy, smiley baby back.

All my life, I've wanted to grow up, get married, and have babies. My life is so fantastic right now, and I am nothing but thankful for how blessed I am. How many people are lucky enough to get to live out their childhood dream? God is good.

What are YOU thankful for this year? Come on, guys, I know y'all are reading...cough up a comment or two. ;)

Fail.

Um. So. Yeah.

That whole "less TV thing"? Total, total fail. I still watch just as much TV. Does it count that I've been reading a book while the TV is on? *guilty face*

In other news, my kiddo is growing ridiculously fast. He's up to 11 pounds (!!!) and smiles and grins all the time. Unfortunately, he's had his first cold for the last week or so. He's finally on the mend but oh man, mommy's heart was breaking the first couple days as he snorted and snotted and sounded absolutely miserable. Breaking news: babies hate having saline sprayed up their nose. And they also hate nasal aspirators. I can't say I blame him...I don't think I'd like someone shoving some sucky thing up my nose, either. I came down with a cold a couple days after him but mine is almost totally gone other than a tiny bit of congestion on the right side. Thank goodness for my trusty Neti pot.

It looks like I'm going to be doing an elimination diet once I've used up the delicious mac n' cheese in my pantry. Rowan still has a little rash on his face and chest. It looks like little teensy red pimples; I would think it was heat rash if it wasn't there all the time. It still doesn't seem to be bothering him, but I can't figure out what's causing it, so out dairy goes. I've been casually doing the elimination diet, cutting out big stuff like milk and cheese, but it hasn't helped so I'm going to have to go hardcore and actually cut all dairy, including hidden dairy. (Hidden dairy is stuff like bread made with milk, milk chocolate, etc.) Not going to lie, I'm really intimidated. My husband is a super picky eater, and I don't have the energy to cook two dinners to keep him happy. This will be a rough transition for us, but I told DH that we only have to do it for a couple weeks to see if dairy is the culprit behind Rowan's rash.

And now a little whine. (Can't have cheese with that...har har.) I cannot stand status hijackers on Facebook. You know what I mean...the people who come along and use your status/wall as a chance to talk about themselves. There's one girl on my friends list who CONSTANTLY does that. I posted a status about what a good dad DH is, and she somehow used it as an opportunity to talk about how her daughter used to have trouble falling asleep. Um...what? Post that mess on your own wall. Honestly, if I didn't use FB as a way to post pictures of Rowan for my grandma and keep in touch with some far-away friends, I would just delete the thing. People be cray.

Can't miss an opportunity to shamelessly AW my kiddo, so here ya go. I took these yesterday. (For the record, his shirt is open because we were between a diaper change and a bath, so I had him unzipped and laying on my bed.) His facial expressions are a constant source of entertainment to me.

The first few days

Life as a mom is so different from how I expected. Honestly, it's so much more fun and rewarding than I thought it would be at this point! Here's a little look at what life is like for us as Rowan's parents.

Rowan's a great sleeper. I'm probably still getting five or six hours a night. Which, as a girl who loves sleep, is still less than I'd like, but realistically, I know that's awesome for a newborn. I told myself through the whole pregnancy that there was NO WAY I was going to bed-share, but I was wrong. I find myself having more separation anxiety than I expected. I want him there, cuddled next to me. We've got a co-sleeper next to the bed, but if he gets grunty or squirmy, I just pull him up next to me and he zonks out. (And when he's sleeping quietly, I do, too.) I'm blessed that he'll nurse in the mornings around 6:30 or 7:00 and then go back to sleep with me for another hour and a half or more.

Rowan is probably the most laid-back baby I've ever seen. I thought at first it was because of the jaundice, but that's (mostly) cleared up now and he still is just so chill. He sleeps a lot, but when he's awake, he almost never fusses. He'll just sit and stare at us, or the light from a window, or whatever. He's not a huge fan of diaper changes or sponge baths, or anything that pins him down or makes him be still. He had to be re-hospitalized because of the jaundice, and I could hear him screaming from several rooms away while they did his IV. (I cried more than he did, I think.) My mom stayed with him and said that honestly, she thought he was screaming mostly from being pinned down, rather than from pain. Same with his circumcision. (We had a mohel do the circ...LOVED him.)

all warm under the bili-lights

Daddy and Rowan are bonding more and more, and it totally melts my heart. One of the things that I was most excited about was watching my husband become a father, and it has totally been everything I hoped it would be. Right now he's got Rowan sleeping on his chest, and he's leaned back in the recliner playing Final Fantasy 9. It's adorable.

In terms of post-partum recovery, I'm doing amazingly well. So much so that it almost scares me a little. I keep waiting for the crazy hormones and whatnot to hit me and make me feel lost or overwhelmed or manic, and it just hasn't yet. I'll go ahead and credit that largely to the placenta encapsulation that we did. I've been taking the capsules and haven't had the tiniest bit of baby blues or anything. The only time I cry is when I look at Rowan sometimes and am so overwhelmed with love and joy that I can't help but get weepy. (Scares the heck out of DH, haha.) Again, I am so blessed that PP recovery is going so smoothly. I'm barely even bleeding anymore, at 11 days post-birth. Amazing!

Life as a new mom is way cool. I love my little scrunchy, cuddly baby. I love my husband even more than I did before. To those of you who haven't experienced this yet: I can't wait for you to become moms. It is so, so worth every bit of struggle and prayer and waiting that you're going through right now. I know I didn't have to wait as long as a lot of my friends, and I'm so thankful for that, but I know that to have this little guy in my life, it would've been worth a lifetime of waiting.

Rowan's Very Long Birth Story

On Wednesday, September 12, I had Braxton Hicks. Nothing unusual for a pregnant lady who is 38w3d, right? Except they wouldn't go away. Every five minutes or so, I would have a painless BH contraction. I also noticed that I felt absolutely exhausted, despite having gotten a really good amount of sleep the night before. I was starting to suspect something was up with all those BH contractions, so I went for a walk to stall them out. They kept going. I took a nap...they did not. I called my midwife's office and my favorite nurse, Janette, told me to take a nice hot bath and relax. If they were nothing, they'd stall themselves out. If it was something, they'd keep going. So I took the bath, and they kept going. I was also having some mild spotting, which I assumed was from the cervical check I'd had the day before.

DH and I decided to head down to my mom's house (much closer to the hospital than ours) just in case something was going on. I tried to contact the on-call doctor at the hospital to ask their opinion. They finally called me back and told me that they didn't think I was in labor, but that I could come in and get checked if I wanted to. I did. At 10:30 at night, we got checked in at the ER and sent up to triage. They checked me and I was at a centimeter and a half, and 80% effaced. But, my blood pressure was crazy high. They decided to do a blood draw and a cath urine test (ow) for pre-eclampsia. While I was sitting in the bed waiting for the results of my test, I started having some actual contractions, and then I felt a gush. I paged the nurse and they checked, and sure enough, my water had broken! I was so surprised. It was about 2:30 when contractions started, and I guess around 3:00 when my water ruptured.

They sent us to a real L&D room, and we hunkered down for the long haul. Little did we know HOW long it was going to be! They told me to hang out, and they'd check me again in 4 hours. So I labored, breathed through the increasingly painful contractions, and rejoiced over the fact that my little boy would be in my arms in a few hours. (Or so I thought.) After four hours, they checked my cervix. I was up to 3cm and still 80% effaced. So I labored some more. I was getting SO uncomfortable and was really having a lot of pain with each contraction. DH and I walked the halls, and my mom showed up and walked with me too. I had to stop and lean against the walls when each contraction hit. After another 4 hours, they checked again, and I was at...3 cm, 80% effaced. I was SO discouraged that I hadn't made any progress. They moved me to a room with a seat in the shower so that I could sit in the hot water. They thought that the hot water hitting my chest would stimulate contractions to become more regular and productive. I spent an hour in the shower, and then got out, labored more, and waited. And at the next check? Still 3cm, 80% effaced. I broke down and cried.

At this point, they introduced the idea of Pitocin to try and get my contractions to regulate and become more productive. I was so devastated, but I agreed to try it because I had been without sleep and food for a very long time at this point. The Pitocin made the contractions hit me like a sledgehammer, and I began to REALLY struggle to get through each one. They gradually increased the Pitocin from .5 to 2, and when we got to 2, they offered me Stadol. I was in so much pain that I agreed to try it. The nurse told me that it'd just make me too loopy to care that I was in pain. What she SHOULD have told me was that I was going to go on the craziest psychedelic trip in the world. There were so many colors and images flying around in my head that I don't think I really got much rest under the Stadol, but man, was it fun. While under the Stadol, they increased my Pitocin from a 2 to an 8. When the Stadol wore off, I was suddenly in more pain than I even knew it was possible to experience. I was almost screaming through contractions...I truly felt like I was going to die with each one. After trying my best to labor through them, they checked me again and I had only progressed to 4cm after HOURS of Pitocin. I knew at that point that I couldn't do it without pain meds anymore.

I won't lie...I cried when I finally admitted that I needed the epidural. I wanted a natural birth SO badly, and had mentally and physically prepared myself for it from before I had ever even conceived Rowan. I felt like a failure and a disappointment to myself and to everyone who had encouraged me to go med-free. My sweet nurse Patrice looked in my eyes and told me, "Honey, getting the epidural will not make your birth any less beautiful, I promise you." Getting the epi itself was incredibly painful, especially because it wasn't placed properly the first time and they had to go back and move the catheter to adjust the flow of the meds. Once the numbing spread properly, I crashed. I was so incredibly exhausted. Two hours after the epidural, I woke up and they checked me again. I had gone from 4cm, 80% effaced to complete in TWO HOURS. Wow. It was time to push!

I couldn't feel my legs because of the epi, so I felt like half of my effort on pushes was expended holding my legs. They turned the epi off and let me labor down for a little bit, and once I had a tiny bit of sensation back, I started pushing. They told me that I was doing a great job, which was nice to hear because I couldn't feel much except for some pressure when contractions would start. Rowan's heart rate started decelerating a little with contractions, so the doctor delivering him told me that I needed to push with all my might. After what I think was about 20 minutes of pushing, I felt him crowning (weird sensation!) and a couple pushes later, he was out. They pulled him up on my belly and I burst into tears. He was so beautiful, and had hair!

Rowan Bennett was born at 3:45 a.m. on September 14th. He was 6lbs, 10oz and 19 inches long, and so beautiful. He has his daddy's eyes and nose, but has mommy's lips and fingers. We are so in love.

Half baked, and it's a boy!

Our anatomy scan was yesterday, and we're having a SON! I'm so incredibly happy to know who's in there and to be able to call him "him" and "he" now.

The scan didn't go as flawlessly as I had hoped. He's got an ecogenic intracardiac focus (EIF) which is basically a bright spot on his heart. It's not considered a birth defect and is actually pretty common, but it can be a soft marker for Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome). On top of that, he has a choroid plexus (brain) cyst, which again, isn't a birth defect and is pretty common, but can be a soft marker for Trisomy 18 (which is, terrifyingly, "incompatible with life"). If he had only had one or the other, they wouldn't have really been concerned at all. But since he had two different soft markers for (albeit unrelated) chromosomal disorders, they told us that we have the option of doing some testing to rule out the possibilities of Trisomy 18 and 21.

DH and I met with a genetic counselor after our prenatal visit, and she was wonderful. She really thoroughly explained to us that we are still at a pretty low risk for either condition, partially because of my age and partially because baby boy has NO other markers for either condition. His musculoskeletal system is perfect, no holes in his heart or stomach, brain is perfectly formed, both kidneys are there, etc. We also had the chance to watch him swallow a few times in our ultrasound, and to see him splay his fingers out, which are two things that Trisomy 18 babies struggle with and can't do, respectively. But, even though we're still fairly low risk, I cannot rest easy until I KNOW that my little boy is safe and sound. We're going to do a test called MaterniT21, which is extremely new (only been around since October, I think) but also extremely accurate. At worst, we'll have a 99.8% shot at a correct diagnosis. And that's at worst. It's a really expensive test...our insurance will still be paying well over a thousand dollars, but our "copay" is going to be $230-something. That's a lot for us, especially at this point, so DH's mom graciously is footing the bill for the test. This is her first grandbaby...I think she's just as anxious to know that he's ok.

So, as scary as that all is for me, I'm still elated to know that I'm carrying a sweet, tiny, beautiful little boy. Even if he has some kind of condition that we are going to have to prepare for when he's born, he's mine and I am so in love. We haven't picked a name yet, and we might not settle on anything until he's born. I'm notoriously bad about making decisions so I'm afraid to commit to anything at this point.

Here are a couple pictures of our "wee laddie",(lol) as my mom is calling him. We're 20 weeks along today, which is exactly halfway! Woohoo for progress, right?

I know the 3D ones will look better when we're further along but I still think his little nose and lips are the cutest thing!

Oh my hair.

All of my life, I have had wild, unruly hair. Part of my problem was that, as a teenager, I had NO idea what to do with it. My friends were all discovering makeup and hair product, and I was the little frizzy girl who only got attention from boys because I had personality. A friend introduced me to a hair straightener and things started to improve for me. Once I hit college, I realized that if I wasn't good at styling my hair, I could do other things to make it fun. I started cutting my hair in all sorts of funky, edgy styles and dyeing it fun colors to compensate for my lack of ability in making it pretty on my own. When I started dating my husband, I had short hair. I grew it out for our wedding, then cut it off. We moved to France, and then I cut it off again even shorter. And now, it's long again. I've started learning to embrace my natural semi-curly texture, especially since I've come to the realization that I can just pin it up the second day without having to wash it if I go curly the day before. (I am a lazy person. If I can get away with not washing my hair on day 2, I am ALL about that.) It's still a work in progress, but I'm starting to believe that there is hope for my crazy hair.

If you have curly/tightly waved hair, what do you do to keep it in control? What products/tools/hair pins/clips/whatever do you use? I'm always looking for new suggestions.

Pregnancy update time! -I am 19w1d today.

-Our anatomy scan is in FIVE days. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

-I've been feeling little baby kicks every day since Sunday, and it is the most beautiful feeling. I never felt flutters or anything...just went straight to kicks.

-I'm feeling good except for the daily headaches. I switched to tea from soda to try and cut down my calorie count, and apparently tea does NOT have as much caffeine as I expected.

-My weight gain is somewhere around 6 or 7 lbs, according to my scale. It's CRAZY to see those numbers on the scale and not try to lose weight. I'm eating normally and trying to be healthy, so I guess it's just normal weight gain. At almost 20 weeks, I guess 7 lbs is not bad.

Obligatory bump photo - notice the unruly hair. (And my mirror is dirty again, even though I just washed it last Wednesday. I blame DH.)

ETA: What is up with this awful formatting? None of my line breaks are being included when I hit "publish". Sorry for the terrible, smooshed together text...I blame Blogger's "upgrading". Never had this problem before. Grump grump. ETA again: I think I fixed it. Someone let me know if it looks normal now.

13 can be a lucky number!

How far along? 13 weeks!

Weight gain/loss: I've been a little, um, "backed up", gastrointestinally speaking, so it's thrown my numbers off...but the scale today said 125. We'll go with that.

Feeling: Pretty good! I've been incredibly emotional the last few days, and a little irritable, but the nausea is pretty rare now which is a blessing.

Maternity clothes? They're starting to be more and more appealing. My normal jeans had been fitting just fine, but with the enormous bloat, it's getting extremely uncomfortable. I've been pretty much living in sweatpants around the house.

Sleep: Decent, but still not great. I'm still waking up super frequently to pee, but I think that if I could stop doing that, I'd probably sleep pretty well.

Food cravings: Protein. I ate boiled eggs today with spicy mustard and it was amazing.

Movement? None so far. I have an anterior placenta so they said it'll be at least another month before I feel anything. I can feel a lot of stretching and cramping at this point, which makes me nervous, but I know logically it's a normal part of the process.

What I miss? Artificial sweetener. Never realized how much stuff it was in!

Best moment this week: DH getting off of work early, and getting to cook dinner together before church and have a nice meal.

What I'm looking forward to: A ladies Bible study this weekend with some wonderful friends!

Next appointment: Not until May 10th. Such a long wait!

Milestones: 2nd trimester!!!! I got a little emotional today realizing how far we've come. I can't believe how big this baby is getting. Love this little guy or girl SO much.

Since people wanted to see a picture of the blump, here ya go. Please bear in mind that this is a blump, not a real bump. Also, pardon my spotty mirror.

Last week of 1st trimester, woohoo!

I'm stealing this pregnancy update from Mchupie so I don't take credit for any of it! (Except my answers, obviously.)



How far along? 12 weeks

Weight gain/loss: Still at 124, so down about 3 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight.

Feeling: Tired, but that might just be from getting up 6 times last night to pee. Nausea is almost entirely gone, but I have to keep food in my stomach or it creeps back up.

Maternity clothes? None really, yet. I have a couple maternity tops that I wear sometimes, but more because I like them than because I need them.

Sleep: A challenge. I've been waking up so much to go to the bathroom, and I feel like it's just impossible to get comfortable. I'm trying to convince DH that I need a Snoogle.

Food cravings: Comfort food. Cornbread, chicken and dumplings, etc.

Movement? None so far. I have an anterior placenta so they said it'll be at least another month before I feel anything.

What I miss? Sleep. Beautiful, glorious sleep.

Best moment this week: Not heading into work on Monday, because I'm now a SAHW!

What I'm looking forward to: Heading to Arkansas this weekend to see my grandparents. DH has barely ever met them so this should be fun. :)

Next appointment: I've got my group meeting with other KU ladies on the 27th, but the next REAL appointment is May 10th. Anatomy scan, yay!

Milestones: Baby's reflexes are active now! If I push on my belly, baby will startle and move, although I can't feel any of it for now.

I really am looking forward to my centering appointment. Basically, women who are in the midwife-based program all get together once or twice a month at the clinic for classes, discussion, education, etc. It's all women who are due in September, so it'll be cool to get to interact with other ladies who are as far along as me and have different birthplans and experiences. The first appointment for that is the 27th of this month, so not too long to wait. :)

Movin' on up!

Yesterday was a fantastic day, despite the fact that our entire area was slammed with some pretty bad weather. (Tornadoes, hail, strong winds and thunderstorms, etc.)

DH took the day off and used the morning to go get his yearly checkup done. The doctor's office took their sweet time and made him wait for a couple hours, and he barely got home in time for us to leave for my appointment. But we made it on time (and managed to stop at Panera for some cinnamon crunch bagels for lunch) and checked in at the doctor's office. The nurse took my blood pressure and temperature, and then a couple other nurses came in to record my family medical history and let me know a little more about what to expect and how the whole midwife experience works at Vanderbilt. I'm going to be part of a program called "Centering", which means I'll be meeting for a few weeks with other women due in September and taking group classes, etc. I'm looking forward to it!

The midwife came in, and I really liked her a lot. We chatted about baby-related things, and then she had me lay down on the little table. She whipped out the Doppler and said, "We might not be able to hear anything yet, but what's the fun in not trying, right?" It took her a minute to find it, but there it was! What a relief.

After that, they sent me over to the ultrasound department, and they got me back to a room super quickly, which was great. She told me it was going to be an "internal" (ahem) ultrasound, but I balked and she said we could try the transabdominal instead. (I'm glad I said something, because we could see everything juuuust fine.) The tech turned off the lights, and DH and I had our own tv screen to watch everything on. There was baby, laying still but the little heart very visible and beating. I was a little bummed that s/he wasn't moving around, but then all of a sudden s/he startled and threw those tiny little arms in the air, and started arching that back and wiggling the legs. I burst into tears at the sheer awesomeness of it. It was so crazy, seeing this baby move and not being able to feel a bit of it. The tech said everything looks perfect. Showed us the feet with the little ankles crossed, and baby gave us a great show. She moved my due date to September 19th instead of the 21st because instead of measuring 10w5d, baby was at 11w2d. Cool! She printed up three pictures for us and sent us down to the lab for my bloodwork.

I was really anxious about the bloodwork because last time I had a draw, it went really poorly. The phlebotomist was very reassuring and told me it'd all be fine. She tied off my arm, and I just looked away because if I don't see it, it won't make me sick. It didn't take long before it was done, and I looked over as she had me hold gauze on the hole. Eight vials of blood! I was surprised. Never had that much drawn before. She said it's standard for them to draw a lot from pregnant ladies because of all the tests they'll run. She got me some apple juice and graham crackers and congratulated us, and we were done for the day. It was truly a great experience, although I am really bruised from the draw. Totally worth it.

So the baby that looked like a bean last time, actually looks like a baby now! Here's our most recent picture of Baby K, waving hi. :)

We are super blessed. Couldn't have asked for a better experience. And most importantly, this baby is healthy and OURS. God is good.

I'm in a cleaning frenzy!

And you know why I'm in that cleaning frenzy? Because one of my friends is coming over to help me clean.

Yep. I'm that kinda girl.

My housekeeping skills have been lacking for a long, long time. I've never been one of those women who naturally enjoys keeping things in order. Don't get me wrong; I like for things to be clean, I just hate being the one who has to get them there. So my house has been on a downward spiral since I started working again. I basically wait until things are starting to look rough, and then I'm like, "Hm. I should probably clean that." Laundry? I'll just ignore it until I have no clean underwear left and then I'll throw in a load. Oh, and when it's done, I'll leave it in the dryer.

But this is where it's all gonna change. I put in my two weeks notice at work on Monday, so I'm going to be a housewife again as of March 6th. And I do not want to be the same kind of housewife I've been this entire time. My husband deserves so much more effort out of me. He works so many hours each week at a job he doesn't like that much, because he wants so badly to provide for our family as well as he can. All I have to do is clean, and I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain. So I'm going to clean this dang house. I'm going to KEEP the house clean once I get it there. I'm going to organize things (thanks, Pinterest!) and I'm going to keep a cookie jar stocked with freshly baked goodies. (Ok...maybe not.) I need to get into this habit before the baby gets here, or else I'm going to have a whole lot of adjusting to do at once. Also, I need to keep up with laundry better because we're planning to cloth diaper and that is going to be a WHOLE lot of work on its own, without having a ton of other laundry to catch up on, as well.

Wish me luck. It's hard to stay motivated.

Out of the secret baby closet!

Our first ultrasound was last night. If I had to use one word to describe it, it'd be "magical". Seriously. It was just the most amazing thing. Yeah, I've had ultrasounds before, but they were a panicked, "Oh my gosh what's happening, is the baby ok" kind of deal. This time it was scheduled and exciting and wonderful.

My mom, MIL, DH and I all went out to dinner before the u/s. (Fajitas for me. Om nom.) Then we headed down to the u/s and got started. I asked him to immediately tell me as soon as he saw a heartbeat, and moments later he pointed it out on the screen to me. Then he turned up the volume and I just cried. It was awesome to hear our baby's heart beating strong and healthy. DH got a big grin on his face, and my mom and MIL crowded in to watch the screen and get a first look at their grandchild. We brought a memory card with us so we have video of the whole u/s. Holla.

After we got home and I called my grandma to tell her, DH and I talked and decided to go ahead and come out on Facebook. (Because, you know, nothing's official until it's on Facebook.) We had a huge response...lots of love and support and congratulations.

So without further ado, here is Baby K!

We are so excited and so blessed! Can't wait to find out if Baby K is a boy or a girl. :)

I hate this process.

I really do. No one ever explains to you how to grieve for someone you never got to meet. This was my baby, but I never got to hold them or hear them. I didn't get to see which one of us they looked like, or even find out if it was a boy or a girl. I just keep thinking, "This is so unfair." I have no idea how to process this pain. Jesse called my job for me and told them that I wouldn't be in until my shift this Saturday. I was scheduled to work Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but I ended up calling out for all of it. I just can't handle it right now.

We decided we're going to landscape in the back where I buried the baby. It deserves to be pretty back there. We're not sure what all we want to put in yet, but if the sun level is right, I would love to do hydrangeas. They've always been my favorite, and they're beautiful. We'll probably have to do it bit by bit, since landscaping can be really pricey, but it's something we both really want to do. We also decided that we're going to pick a gender-neutral name for the baby so that we don't have to call it "it" for the rest of our lives. It was born too early but it was still our baby, and I feel like it deserves to have a name.

I feel so empty now. Literally and figuratively. It's so strange that I'm not carrying a baby now, when I was pregnant just a few days ago. I'm struggling to feel useful anymore. Before, I was growing a person. It was so important and I felt so good knowing that I was doing this for my child. And now...nothing. I know it's normal to struggle for a few days, but at this point I feel like it's going to be almost impossible to move past this feeling. My body is still clearing out more of the "products of conception" which make it even harder to start healing. I just want this to be over.