...But what if I'm bad at this?

Part of me can't wrap my mind around the fact that this large, wiggly lump in my stomach is actually our child. That's a real person in there, a little life we struggled to create. We prayed for him, begged for him, took countless pee tests waiting for some news of his pending arrival, and yet...somehow, he still feels like a figment of my imagination sometimes. Like, there is NO WAY I'm going to go to the hospital and push out a real, live baby and that baby will be ours forever.

And then the part of me that accepts that he is, indeed, a real, live baby that will be ours forever can't believe that the idiots at the hospital will be dumb enough to actually let us take him. Are they insane? Do they realize that we have no idea what to do with a baby? DH has never changed a diaper in his life. I've never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours, myself, and I'm the "experienced" one.

I'm so scared of the change that this little guy is bringing into our lives. We're going to cease to be just Nikki and Nikki's DH. Suddenly, one day next month, we're going to become R---'s mom and dad. The closer I get to that day, the more I realize that I'm going to have to totally get to know this little stranger. How can he be a stranger when he's grown in my body for 9 months? How is it that he's going to come out of me, and yet I'll still have to learn everything about him? It just seems impossibly ridiculous that this is the way having a baby works.

I know all the hesitations and fears I'm having are totally normal. And honestly, I'd side-eye any first time mom who went into childbirth without trepidation. You'd have to be a crazy person to not be a little frightened by the prospect of a tiny life depending on you 24/7 for love, food, shelter, and comfort. But I still feel like I'm being "that" pregnant lady. The one who worries, "What if my kid doesn't like me?" He'll grow to like you. He's a baby. "What if I can't figure out what he needs?" You will. You'll learn to read his cries and his cues and if all else fails, call your doctor. "What if he grows up too fast?" He will. Just remember that through all the nights of sleeplessness, the thousand diapers a day, the anxiety and stress of newborn care. This too shall pass, and you'll wish you could have it back, so don't rush through a single minute of it.

I hope that somehow, this little guy knows how much I love him already. I promise, little dude, I will try SO hard to be the best mom I can be. Be patient with me. You're kind of a new experience.

Half baked, and it's a boy!

Our anatomy scan was yesterday, and we're having a SON! I'm so incredibly happy to know who's in there and to be able to call him "him" and "he" now.

The scan didn't go as flawlessly as I had hoped. He's got an ecogenic intracardiac focus (EIF) which is basically a bright spot on his heart. It's not considered a birth defect and is actually pretty common, but it can be a soft marker for Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome). On top of that, he has a choroid plexus (brain) cyst, which again, isn't a birth defect and is pretty common, but can be a soft marker for Trisomy 18 (which is, terrifyingly, "incompatible with life"). If he had only had one or the other, they wouldn't have really been concerned at all. But since he had two different soft markers for (albeit unrelated) chromosomal disorders, they told us that we have the option of doing some testing to rule out the possibilities of Trisomy 18 and 21.

DH and I met with a genetic counselor after our prenatal visit, and she was wonderful. She really thoroughly explained to us that we are still at a pretty low risk for either condition, partially because of my age and partially because baby boy has NO other markers for either condition. His musculoskeletal system is perfect, no holes in his heart or stomach, brain is perfectly formed, both kidneys are there, etc. We also had the chance to watch him swallow a few times in our ultrasound, and to see him splay his fingers out, which are two things that Trisomy 18 babies struggle with and can't do, respectively. But, even though we're still fairly low risk, I cannot rest easy until I KNOW that my little boy is safe and sound. We're going to do a test called MaterniT21, which is extremely new (only been around since October, I think) but also extremely accurate. At worst, we'll have a 99.8% shot at a correct diagnosis. And that's at worst. It's a really expensive test...our insurance will still be paying well over a thousand dollars, but our "copay" is going to be $230-something. That's a lot for us, especially at this point, so DH's mom graciously is footing the bill for the test. This is her first grandbaby...I think she's just as anxious to know that he's ok.

So, as scary as that all is for me, I'm still elated to know that I'm carrying a sweet, tiny, beautiful little boy. Even if he has some kind of condition that we are going to have to prepare for when he's born, he's mine and I am so in love. We haven't picked a name yet, and we might not settle on anything until he's born. I'm notoriously bad about making decisions so I'm afraid to commit to anything at this point.

Here are a couple pictures of our "wee laddie",(lol) as my mom is calling him. We're 20 weeks along today, which is exactly halfway! Woohoo for progress, right?

I know the 3D ones will look better when we're further along but I still think his little nose and lips are the cutest thing!

But I don't wanna!

DH has given me the assignment of going and getting two new tires for one of our cars today. We already replaced the other two, so this will make it a full set of new tires. And let's be real...I don't want to do it. I really, really hate interacting with strangers. Especially strange men. I know, that's ridiculous and childish. But for some reason, it really stresses me out. I'll definitely be bringing the receipt from when DH got the tires in case someone tries to over-charge me or something.

I've always had some social anxiety about things like that. Even though I'm a SAHW, DH ends up doing most of the grocery shopping because it makes me feel so panicky to go to the store alone. I hate hate HATE making phone calls to companies. I have zero problem socializing in groups, but for some reason, striking out on my own just gives me a conniption fit.

I hit 18 weeks pregnant yesterday. We're 12 days away from finding out the sex of the baby (hopefully) and I cannot wait. It's almost making me ill, thinking about the moment the tech tells us whether we're having a son or daughter. I honestly don't care either way...I just want to KNOW.
Here's a bump pic from yesterday...hopefully my mirror is clean this time!

Side note: It looks like we might be facing an imminent move again soon. DH's job situation is...less than ideal. I hate moving, but it's a whole lot scarier now that I'm pregnant. So send us good vibes and prayers on that front!

Antsy.

I really, really want my beta results back. I mean seriously, how long does it take? Some of the women on TB get their results back the same day as their blood draw. I still don't have my results back from the draw Monday, much less Wednesday. I'm not "feeling pregnant" very much today and that makes me scared and anxious, and I just want that solid evidence that things are ok and that I'm just being paranoid.

Hi to all my new followers! I'll try not to disappoint by posting boring, bland, mundane updates. But I can't make any promises; I'm a pretty boring person. ;)

I got to spend the day with my awesome mom today, which is always incredibly fun for me. My mom is my best friend (other than DH) and I can never get enough time with her. We went on an underground river boat tour in a cave, and went to a historic plantation that is supposed to be super haunted. It was way cool...I love anything that is supposed to have a lot of supernatural activity. My dream trip is to visit Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville. It was a tuberculosis hospital in the early 1900s and a good 8,000+ people died there. Gotta be haunted with that many deaths, right? Ahh, the things you would never suspect about me, haha. I look tame on the surface, but underneath I'm a wild ghost chaser. When we were at the plantation, I actually got to meet a guy who used to be a member of the Ghost Hunters team. He owns his own paranormal investigation company now. Think maybe he'd hire me?

Do you believe in ghosts (or paranormal entities of some sort)? If yes, do you think you've ever experienced anything with one of them? I love a good spooky story.

I hate being afraid.

It's amazing to me how many things I'm "afraid" of in life. I'm afraid of the store I work in getting robbed. I'm afraid of having a car accident. I'm afraid of losing my husband or my mom. But, I never thought that "being pregnant" would be on my list of fears.

This cycle has been really emotional for me. My body recovered from the m/c really fast. I miscarried on a Saturday, and the bleeding was done by Thursday. I ovulated on my usual CD23, and now I'm in the 2WW. And honestly, I'm kind of scared. I am so afraid to be pregnant again because I'm terrified to lose another baby. But at the same time, I'm afraid to not be pregnant because I'm afraid it'll take us another 6 months to conceive. I know that the thing that matters the most is a healthy baby, and I would wait a long time for that, but that doesn't mean it'd be fun to wait.

I've been analyzing every little twitch, twinge, ache, and cramp. A lot of it is very similar to last cycle, which makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Part of me wants to test right now, but the anxious part of me doesn't want to test at all for fear of seeing the results. I'm at 10dpo and I'm telling myself that I won't test until at least 13dpo, so add three days to the waiting game. I guess I need to do a full-house deep clean and keep myself distracted. To quote a song from the band Mae: "To tell you the truth, I'm always waiting."