I hate this process.

I really do. No one ever explains to you how to grieve for someone you never got to meet. This was my baby, but I never got to hold them or hear them. I didn't get to see which one of us they looked like, or even find out if it was a boy or a girl. I just keep thinking, "This is so unfair." I have no idea how to process this pain. Jesse called my job for me and told them that I wouldn't be in until my shift this Saturday. I was scheduled to work Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but I ended up calling out for all of it. I just can't handle it right now.

We decided we're going to landscape in the back where I buried the baby. It deserves to be pretty back there. We're not sure what all we want to put in yet, but if the sun level is right, I would love to do hydrangeas. They've always been my favorite, and they're beautiful. We'll probably have to do it bit by bit, since landscaping can be really pricey, but it's something we both really want to do. We also decided that we're going to pick a gender-neutral name for the baby so that we don't have to call it "it" for the rest of our lives. It was born too early but it was still our baby, and I feel like it deserves to have a name.

I feel so empty now. Literally and figuratively. It's so strange that I'm not carrying a baby now, when I was pregnant just a few days ago. I'm struggling to feel useful anymore. Before, I was growing a person. It was so important and I felt so good knowing that I was doing this for my child. And now...nothing. I know it's normal to struggle for a few days, but at this point I feel like it's going to be almost impossible to move past this feeling. My body is still clearing out more of the "products of conception" which make it even harder to start healing. I just want this to be over.

Restarting the journey.

I miscarried last night at 8w1d. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, emotionally and physically.

My biggest fear, other than "How bad is this pain going to get?" was whether or not I would see the baby. I either haven't passed it yet, or I somehow missed it. I'll go for an ultrasound tonight to see if I've passed everything yet.

My midwife is recommending that I wait two full cycles to let my body heal and get back to normal. I'm fighting this idea. I've seen SO many women get pregnant the cycle right after a loss, and I'm afraid I'm "missing my chance," so to speak.

It's so bizarre to wake up today and not be pregnant, when I have been for the last month and a half. I feel numb, and sick, and empty. Part of me wants to just go crawl back in bed and sleep for a week or so. I'll have to go to work tomorrow and pretend that nothing is wrong. I'll have to smile and say "I'm fine, thanks!" when customers ask me how I am. (Seems like it'd be bad for business if I responded, "I just had a miscarriage, I feel like my heart is breaking, and I don't want to be here right now.") I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink, I don't want to even bother showering and getting ready. I'm not going to church this morning, which is really odd for me, but I just feel like I can't handle it. I don't know if my body is done yet and I don't want to discover that it's not mid-services.

Today, I am not pregnant. And I miss my baby.

Pregnancy is messing with my head.

Today, I don't feel pregnant. And it's terrifying. I'm analyzing my body nonstop, waiting for the slightest twinge or tiniest amount of nausea that lets me know I'm still KU. When you've really only had one pregnancy symptom the whole time, the loss of that one symptom really messes with you. Breast soreness has been pretty much it for me, and then today, they're suddenly not really hurting. If I mash them, they're a little achy, but it's not the same.

I know my ultrasound looked great. The baby was high up, the heartbeat was very strong, and they couldn't see any bleeding around the sac. But I'm still scared. My amazing Bump ladies tell me that it's normal for symptoms to come and go, and vary in intensity. I know these things. I KNOW. So why am I still so paranoid? Why have I not learned to shut up that voice in my head that says, "You're going to lose this baby. Things aren't really ok." I need to just relax.

Today, I am pregnant, and I love my baby.

Prayers of worry turned into prayers of thanksgiving!

The bean is alive and well! The ultrasound tonight showed that it is growing on schedule, has a remarkably healthy and strong heartbeat, and is still positioned nice and high in my uterus.

We're still at a loss as to what is causing the bleeding. They looked very carefully, and even scanned my ovaries and cervix to see if they could spot anything unusual. I'm not effaced or dilated at all and they couldn't see even a hint of bleeding around the sac.

I asked the ultrasound guy how soon you can actually hear the heartbeat, and he said, "Well, right now." So he blew the screen up and positioned his little cursor, and turned up the volume. Hearing that little "whoosh whoosh whoosh" brought tears to my eyes. I was actually able to see the heartbeat even better this time, I guess just because it's bigger.

I am so thankful to God for blessing us with a healthy little bean. The relief is just indescribable. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! We are so happy tonight.

It's back and I'm scared.

The spotting has returned in full force. I'm trying to remind myself that the ultrasound looked great, there was no bleeding around the sac, etc etc. Easier said than done. I'm praying lots and trying to stay calm, but again, easier said than done. Part of me wants to call into work and tell them I won't be in, because I'd love to just stay on bedrest today and not potentially hurt the situation, but they don't have anyone else who really works nights who would be able to take over for me.

If you pray, please send up a quick one for this baby. (And for me.) With God, all things are possible, and I know He can take care of the both of us.

The best little flicker in the world.

I had the scare of my life yesterday. Sometime in the middle of the night, I got up to pee and discovered that I was spotting a little. It wasn't red, but it freaked me out anyhow. I cried a little, prayed a lot, and tried to remind myself that brown spotting is ok. I posted on my BMB about it, and the general consensus was to contact my midwife if it turned red. Well...it turned red. And I commenced bawling like a child, thinking that I was losing this baby. I called my midwife, and she gave me the number of an independent ultrasound tech who would do a scan for $100. She warned that at 7 weeks, she didn't think we'd be able to see anything one way or the other.

I decided to call Centennial Hospital in TN, because they have an ER specifically for OB patients. I talked to a lady there who basically laughed in my face when I said I wanted to do an ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat. She told me that there was absolutely no way I would be able to see the baby, much less a heartbeat, at 7 weeks. I asked if a transvaginal ultrasound would be better and she mocked that idea, as well. She told me the only thing I could do at this point was have betas drawn and hope for the best. Clearly, I did not end this call feeling satisfied. The last thing a pregnant woman who fears a miscarriage wants is to be shot down. And I have seen SEVERAL pregnant ladies on TB posting about seeing the heartbeat as early as 6 weeks via u/s, so I was pretty sure this woman's brain had been replaced with some mashed bananas.

I figured hey, might as well go ahead and call the guy my midwife recommended. (For the record, Centennial had told me that if I did elect to get an ultrasound, it would cost me anywhere from $800-$1200. Ouch.) The second he picked up the phone, he put me at ease. He told me that we absolutely would be able to see the heartbeat and baby at 7 weeks, if there was a heartbeat to be seen at all. He would also be able to check for bleeding around the sac and make sure that everything looked "normal." So I chugged water and we headed down to his place.

By the time we got there, I had to pee so badly that I could barely walk upright. He had me go to the bathroom and let a little bit of the pee out, and then come hop up on the table. Around that time, my mom got there (for moral support) and we got started. He squirted that gel on my stomach and stared at the screen, clicking and measuring and not saying a word. I was terrified. Finally, he looks at me, and says, "Well, we definitely have a very strong heartbeat." I teared up instantly, said "Thank God," and asked him to show me. He zoomed in on the screen and pointed out the tiniest little flicker that I wouldn't have even noticed if he hadn't shown me. He said the heartbeat was around 170bpm and very steady. The baby was actually measuring almost a week behind what I had thought it was, but the heartbeat was great and I'm trying not to dwell on the date confusion. He showed us the yolk sac and the fetal pole, and pointed out different things that indicate that the pregnancy is healthy. He couldn't find even the slightest hint of bleeding around the sac, so we have to assume it's cervical or something. It was the most comforting thing ever to have visual confirmation that our baby is ok. (And equally as awesome to SEE MY BABY. Wow.) Best $100 dollars I've ever spent, by far.

Adjusted due date based on baby's measurements: April 6th. We are so blessed, and I am so relieved.

My cats are killing me with grossness.

Let me preface this by saying that I love my cats. Really, I do. Most of the time. They can be so sweet and cuddly, and really funny with their crazy cat antics. But I think they want to kill me.

This pregnancy has been pretty low-key so far. Not experiencing terrible symptoms. However, the nausea has been increasing the last few days. Still manageable, but definitely more present. My cats seem to sense this, and are being as gentle and sensitive to my tummy as they can be. Right? Wrong.

I decided that since I have work this afternoon, I should probably wash my khakis. (They were covered in hair because I wore them while I cut DH's hair the other night.) I loaded up my little laundry basket, walked out to the washer...and froze in abject horror.

Poop. Everywhere.

The best I can figure it out, it went down like this. Someone (probably Suki) crawled in the litter box and did their business. Our cats are both terribly stupid and don't understand that they're supposed to kick the litter back over their completed business. They just leave it sitting on top. So, in her post-doody litter box romp, Suki stepped in her pile o' poo. She then jumped out of the litter box, and vigorously shook her poo-covered feet, creating dookie carnage the likes of which I have never before seen.

I mopped the main part of the mess, and used antibacterial wipes to scrub off the front of the washer. A Magic Eraser was needed to remove the excrement from the walls and doors. (Yep, I said doors. Plural.) There needs to be more mopping done, but my stomach cannot handle that at the moment. I texted DH and told him that I left the rest for him. He texted back to inform me that I could've left ALL of it for him...if only I had known that before I cleaned. (Actually, I think it would have bothered me more to leave all that poop everywhere.)

I also just got another text from DH informing me that the reason my car has been leaving a big, wet stain on the driveway is because there's apparently a leak in the oil pan. Which can't be repaired. They would have to replace the whole thing. Which will cost, according to this one shop, $450. We're going to get estimates from other places who will hopefully do it much cheaper, but I'm feeling rather sorry for myself. We are dealing with a lot of start-up fees from the midwife and other medical goings-on, and $450 is a lot to us right now. Sigh. Life goes on.

Hey there, sweet pea.

Here we are, at 6w2d! Baby is now the size of a sweet pea, which sounds way cuter than a poppy seed or apple seed. I'm really learning a lesson in patience right now, because it's kind of hitting me that everything about this baby is going to be a waiting game. I'm waiting until 12 weeks to get the first ultrasound done, and that feels like forever. I decided to skip the early ultrasound for the sake of saving money, since we're paying a lot out of pocket. (The midwife is costing us a little more than we anticipated, but we feel like it's really a good exchange.) But it makes me want to pull my hair out, knowing that I have to wait six more weeks to see my sweet little baby. My midwife's assistant called me back yesterday to see if I want to do the initial visit earlier than the ultrasound visit, just so I feel like I'm doing something. I'm thinking...yes.

I'm still blessed to not be dealing with morning sickness. I have been slightly more queasy the last couple days, but no throwing up or dry heaving. I do think my sense of smell is heightened, because I swear I can smell my cats poop in another room. Gag. I've had a couple people come through the line at work, and I had to hold my breath to keep from breathing in their stank. The boobs are still pretty sore, and DH really thinks they're looking bigger. (For this flat-chested gal, this is momentous. I've waited my whole life for pregnancy boobs.) I'm already thinking about investing in a bra with no underwire, because it's starting to really be painful. (Just on a side note, I'm sitting here getting pretty nauseous, right after I wrote about how I didn't have nausea.)

I need a new sci-fi book series to read. I prefer stuff that isn't raunchy and ridiculous, so it limits my options. The last series I read was the Abhorsen trilogy, and I absolutely loved it. I used to read all the time, and I have slacked off drastically in my adulthood. What a shame.

Ants in my pants

Tomorrow is our first midwife appointment and I'm so excited I can barely sit still. I have no idea why I'm so pumped...we're not going to see the heartbeat or do an ultrasound or anything. I think it's just that, in my mind, if I'm seeing a medical professional about my pregnancy, it must be real! (As if the massive aching boob pain didn't clue me in. And also the 5 positive pregnancy tests.) I think DH is excited, too, because he has already told his entire office and a few random strangers. We're taking my niece's old crib instead of shelling out for a new one, and DH wants to go ahead and bring it back to our place this weekend. That one really surprised me...I expected him, with all his careful planning, to wait to wait a while for things like that. I think both of us are just a little on the giddy side right now.

I took our oldest fur child, Pippa, to the vet today. (Well, the vet at the Humane Society where we got her.) She's been kind of congested since the day we brought her home, and it just never cleared up. They told us that it was just the last little bit of an upper respiratory infection she had, and that it would go away on its own. She sounded so pathetic the last couple days that I felt like I needed to do something. So, for $6.75, they gave me three different meds to try and clear everything up. Excellent price? Why yes, yes it was. It'll be fun trying to squirt meds down her throat with the syringe, but if it makes her stop sneezing snot marks all over the wall, it'll be worth the effort.

I need to make dinner plans for tonight. I have frozen chicken, brown rice, and an avocado. Think I can make something interesting out of that? Hah. I think that takes more cooking talent than I possess, but we'll figure something out.

The apple seed has graduated!

From blastocyst to embryo, that is. I'm 5 weeks, 1 day today, and the bloat is sorta kinda starting to recede-ish. At night, it's still fairly prominent, but it's less obvious during the day. Part of me enjoys the bloat, just because it's a result of being pregnant. I don't know that an hour passes without me thinking "Wow, this is really happening." I pray so often that this baby is healthy and that it stays put, and I'm thankful for every day that passes without incident. I don't want to rush through any part of this pregnancy, except maybe this week. Our first appointment with our midwife is Saturday, and I'm so antsy and excited that I feel like a kid on Christmas eve. She'll probably check my betas and we'll discuss all sorts of baby-related things.

DH's family reunion was this past weekend, and as usual, it was a loud, chaotic, crowded event. His family is huge. We decided that we would tell his parents that we were expecting, and their reactions were great. But then came the pressure from my MIL to tell everyone. I felt like I was being told, "Either you tell, or I will." I hated that feeling. This is my news, and I should be able to tell it on my terms. So I agreed to tell DH's immediate family, including aunts and uncles. That was already so much more than I had planned. The next day, DH's mom asked me if she could tell her cousin, and I flat out told her no. Absoutely not. This is MY news, regardless of how excited she might be about it, and it's up to me to tell people when I want, and how I want. I'm thinking the next time we have a baby, I'll be waiting quite a bit longer to tell DH's parents. I do not need any extra drama in my life, thanks very much.

I work from 3 to 9 tonight. Urgh. I just have to keep reminding myself, "This money is going to help pay off loans and save up for the baby." It's the only thing that makes it worth going. The job itself isn't bad or hard, it's just difficult to stay on my feet for so long. Sometimes the nausea hits while I'm working and it's really difficult not to just lay in the floor behind the register and cry. But I'm blessed that I don't have true morning/day sickness, so I'll suck it up and try to power through it. It's about time to go get showered and looking human, so I'll end this for now.