And so begins the process.

My mind is still having a hard time wrapping around the fact that I'm pregnant. It just doesn't feel real at all. (Except for the nausea I'm experiencing at the moment. That feels quite real, indeed.) On the whole, I'm not really having any "for real" symptoms yet. I get queasy after I eat, and if I get hungry, but there's definitely no "morning sickness" yet. "Yet" being the operative word. I have little twinges of cramps sporadically, but they're not as frequent anymore and they don't feel the same. These have started feeling more like stretching. Is this my imagination? Isn't it too early for my uterus to be stretching? According to my caluculations, I'm 4 weeks and 4 days along. The little guy or girl is now the size of an apple seed, supposedly. (Deep down, I am totally convinced that it's a girl. But we'll see! I'm completely happy with either.)

So far, we've told my mom and aunt, my best friend Charlotte via Skype, (she's in France) and we'll tell DH's parents this weekend. I'm honestly really nervous about that. It's not that I think his mom will freak out or be really unhappy, but I really don't have a good idea about how they'll react, at least to our faces. There's also no good way to tell them. If we ask to speak to them privately, they'll probably automatically suspect. I think his dad will be thrilled to bits, and I think his mom will stress herself sick about it. Oh, and we also told our preacher and his wife. It never hurts to have extra prayers for the health and safety of the baby and myself, and we really like them anyhow. They were both really excited for us and I think they're looking forward to having more babies at church.

Did I mention that I still just can't believe that this is finally happening? The verse that keeps going through my head is 1 Samuel 1:27 - "For this child I prayed, and the Lord granted me my petition which I asked of Him." Before I found out that we were going to be parents, I prayed so hard that God would bless us with a baby. Now that I'm pregnant, I haven't stopped praying that this baby will be strong and healthy, and that it will stay put. The last few days have been the happiest ever. I'm looking forward to the next 9 months.

Bee eff pee

So, Sunday morning I woke up at 2 due to the overwhelming urge to pee. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I went ahead and got up. I figured hey, I might as well go ahead and POAS. I used a dollar store cheapie, and after a minute saw a really, REALLY faint line. I then busted out a "first response"ish blue dye test, and got a more visible second line. All the ideas of surprising DH in some special way went out the window as I shook him awake and, bawling, said "I'm pregnant!" In his sleepy haze, it took him a minute to figure out what was happening. Once he caught on, though, he sat up and smiled and just hugged me while I sniffled. It was one of the most wonderful feelings...although it didn't quite feel real yet.

Flash forward to this morning. DH picked up a couple digis last night, and I took one this morning around 5. It was nervewracking, watching that little hourglass blink as it processed. I was so afraid that somehow, it would say "not pregnant". But then, up popped "pregnant" and I got the biggest grin on my face. I went out to grab the camera so I could take pictures, and DH woke up and said, "I want to see it." So we stared at the test together for a minute, and I grabbed my macro lense so I could get some pictures of that beautiful little word.

It still doesn't entirely feel real, but I guess after my first meeting with my midwife, it'll sink in a bit more. She scheduled us to come in for a visit on August 6th, just for a basic first visit and so that we can discuss things with her. I'm really looking forward to it, she seems so wonderful and I love having support for a homebirth. I am just so incredibly happy! I'm trying not to worry about miscarriage, I just want to enjoy every sensation and emotion right now. Life is good. I am blessed.

Waiting through another 2WW.

This is my least favorite time of the month. Seriously. This cycle has thrown me for a loop. Not because it has been flaky or particularly confusing, but because I ovulated significantly earlier than normal and it messed with my head. Our timing was still ok, and to be honest, we were thinking about trying for EOD anyhow, but it was really lucky we even managed it at all. Kinda caught us off-guard. It's so hard for me not to over-analyze everything my body is doing right now. I had tons of cramps last cycle, and it was a BFN. But these cramps are more painful and much more menstrual-like, and of course my brain is flipping the heck out. Sigh. My temp was up even more today, and if it gets any higher, I'll be tempted to test. Generally in my cycle, my temps start a downward trend tomorrow. We'll see. I'd love for this cycle to be "the one", but it either is or it isn't. Interestingly enough, my EDD would be April 1st. April fool's baby, or if they were a day late, they'd be born on DH's birthday. D'awww.

I'm getting pretty tired of TB lately. I'm not sure which I hate more...the P&R, or the overwhelming AEs who target people and harrass them mercilessly. I'm all for some healthy amounts of snark, but it's ridiculous to go after someone and make it personal. It's almost funny that people still act like bullies, just like they did in school when I was a kid. I thought I had gotten past all of that as an adult, but clearly, people have just changed their methods. I just find it incredibly obnoxious. The board hasn't been the same since all my "friends" moved on, mostly to the March board. I haven't heard from any of them since they moved on, and it sucks feeling like I'm by myself. Gabbly chat has been down, so I can't even talk to them outside of the board. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Could you tell?

Life as we know it.

We're settling into our new home and our new life pretty well here lately. I won't pretend that I haven't had to adjust quite a bit, but I'm getting used to it. I'm already used to our home: remembering where everything is, walking through a room in the dark without tripping over anything, (except maybe a cat) and knowing the layout of the neighborhood. But, of course, as soon as I get used to one thing, something else changes.

Jesse and I have made the decision that we'll no longer be attending Eastside after next Sunday. It's not just because of the long drive, although that definitely is a factor. There's a really small congregation here in Franklin that would really benefit from having us. (Wow, that sounds egotistical.) They could use another song leader, and Jesse is a wonderful singer. There are tons of little kids and the preacher has triplets, and I love being surrounded by babies, so I'm very much in my element. It'll be hard to leave a couple of the people at Eastside, but really, I'll get over it. Quickly. It's been made easier by the fact that we were gone from Eastside for two weeks, and not a single person checked in on us to see why we hadn't been at services. Even my close friends didn't contact me. It made me realize that our presence there is virtually unnoticed. It won't hurt Eastside if we leave...they won't even feel a difference. There are a couple people there who have always said, "You can't leave Eastside! I'd be so sad!" but they turn down our invitations to hang out on a regular basis. Their only interraction with us is for a couple minutes after worship ends, before they rush off to lunch with their friends. And I guess that was my biggest hesitation in leaving, that my already-weak friendships will die off in a hurry. It shouldn't be that way, and it's not fair that my friendships should be determined by where I attend services, but that's life. When I lived in Bowling Green, we spent lots of time together and honestly, it was wonderful. But I can't control my friends and force them to make more effort. I guess I didn't realize how much of a factor convenience is for a relationship, but I sure do now. Moving to Franklin already made a huge shift in the dynamics of my relationships, but going to a new congregation will basically be the total end of it. It was hard for me to get past the "but I don't wanna" in my head, and go for the "this is what's best in the long run". It's challenging for me to give up on my own happiness in order to serve God better, but I know that leaving Eastside is the right thing to do. I just wish I could bring my friends with me.

I need to stop writing this and go take a shower so that I can get to the courthouse. I need to get my license updated with my new address. I hope I don't have to have cash to get it done, because I don't have any and we don't have a branch of our bank in this town. I have to update my license anyhow, but I'm mostly doing it today so that I can fill out some paperwork at my new job. I'm leaving the world of house-wifery for a while and heading back into retail. (Rite Aid, to be precise.) I would rather just stay home, but if I work, we can pay student loans more quickly and get them out of the way. Since that's our only debt, it'd be nice to get rid of it and not have to worry about any other payments other than monthly bills. We'll also put some of my paycheck in savings and build up some money for when kids come along, or unexpected expenses arise. Hopefully the job will be pretty basic, and I won't have any trouble learning new ropes. The manager seems super nice, so that's always a plus.

If you're actually still reading by now, +1000 internet points to you.

I think I did, I think I did...

I've started looking for a part-time job here recently, just to supplement our household income a little bit. I applied at Rite-Aid and it looks like I've got the job! (All within a matter of a few days. Nice.) They're waiting for the background check to run, and assuming I pass it, I'm good to go. I may have made a mistake on the paperwork that is making me ULTRA paranoid, but even that would just be listing an address that they didn't need. My criminal record is totally clean. I don't even have a speeding ticket, for crying out loud. So hopefully, I'll hear back from them soon. God is very good. :)

Jane Austen festival this weekend. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm planning to dress up. Yes, I am a total nerd. No, I don't care.

I have a warm, purring kitten asleep on my stomach. It's incredibly cute. I'm so thankful that we have these little furballs in our life. They're good little companions, even if they do stink up the litter box something fierce, and they occasionally fart on me. Life is good. Life is blessed.

My relationship with God is growing so much lately. I'm just struck by how many second (and third and hundredth) chances I've been given, and I'm tired of taking that for granted.

"Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last
'Til safe in glory my anchor is cast
Through endless ages, ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee."