I had to ask for help.

The morning sickness is hitting me like a ton of bricks today. I noticed when I was lying in bed that if I was on my back, I would start feeling queasy. So I just rolled over and ignored it. By the time I got up, it was hitting me in full force, which kind of surprised me. It usually gets worse as the day goes along, and doesn't bother me at all until later in the afternoon. I knew that eating usually makes me feel better, so I grabbed some leftover beef stew and tried to eat. Tried. It was a huge struggle to even get the food down. It took me a good 15 minutes to eat a bowl.

As I sat there, the nausea just got worse and worse and worse. I realized pretty quickly that it was not getting better, and I went ahead and called out of work. Thankfully it was one of my female coworkers that answered my call and offered to take the shift for me. I don't think the men there are quite as understanding.

After I called work, I broke down and called my midwife. That glorious woman. She told me that there are tons of options for the m/s, the most common being B-6 and Unisom. She told me to eat something small every hour and a half or so...guess I need to invest in some carrots or something so that I don't gain 10lbs in the first trimester! I really want to avoid prescription-strength options for now...it doesn't feel worth it when I'm not actually throwing up. I'm not a medication kinda girl anyhow. I prefer natural options whenever possible. I still am a little amazed that I can be this nauseous and NOT throw up, but I suppose I should be really thankful for that. There are some women on TB that throw up anywhere from 10 to 20 times a day...I can't even imagine.

We have 13 more days until our first ultrasound. Fly, time, fly! I am so, so looking forward to seeing that beautiful baby and that teensy heartbeat. I know s/he is alive and well, but it would feel incredible to actually be able to see it. All the ultrasounds last time were done out of fear and urgency. But this one is scheduled and routine, and that alone feels fantastic.

Today, I am pregnant, and I love my baby.

I love getting off of work early...except when it's because I'm nauseous.

My shift was scheduled to start at 3:00. I ended up heading home around 3:45. The nausea today is the worst I've felt it so far. (Of course, I'm only 5w1d, so there's a good chance it's going to get a lot worse.) I'm glad someone was willing to cover my shift, because I was probably going to end up being pretty useless. It was all I could do to smile and greet people as they walked into the store...all I wanted to do was sit in the floor and cry.

It's odd how I can feel so physically bad, but emotionally good at the same time. This nausea is miserable, and I won't try to pretend I don't feel awful. But it's so mentally reassuring, because morning sickness more than likely = healthy baby. (Or babies. Ya never know!) I will take the nausea with a smile (metaphorically) if it means that this will be our take-home baby.

The biggest concern I'm having right now is how this nausea is going to affect my job. We had planned for me to keep working through most of my pregnancy for the sake of saving as much money as possible. But I was not feeling very functional today, especially for a job that is mostly manual labor. If it gets worse to the point that I'm actually throwing up, I don't know that I'll be able to stay there. That makes me nervous in terms of our financial situation. But I know that God will take care of us, and everything will work out just fine. It always does. :) I'm scheduled to work tomorrow too, so hopefully I will be able to get through the shift without feeling like I'm going to toss my cookies. Wish me luck!

Betas, and a countdown!

I had my first beta draw this morning. Thank heavens for talented phlebotomists. She did have to chase the vein a little, but she found it quickly and got a couple vials full. I have no idea when I'll get my results back, but hopefully it'll be soon because I'm awfully curious! I will go back Wednesday morning for the second draw. Fingers crossed for good numbers. :)

Twenty-four days to my first ultrasound, and I am so ready! If I could move time by sheer willpower, it'd be February 9th already. But I guess I'll have to wait. Maybe I'll get lucky and time will pass quickly. When I was pregnant with Finley, I felt like every day crawled past. But it doesn't seem AS bad this time. Still slow, but more like turtle speed, rather than snail. I'm still dealing with a lot of symptoms, which is uncomfortable, but I am enjoying every bit of it. If this means I'm having a healthy baby, I will take the nausea and then some. For those of you who have had a baby before- did you ever experience intensely dry skin? My legs were so dry that they itched INSANELY bad last night. It literally kept me awake last night and I thought I was going to scratch through my skin to get some relief. Ow.

Work today. Yaaay. I have a note from my orthopedist saying that I cannot squat or kneel, but it's not like they're going to listen to that. I was totally unable to contact HR when I tried. I called the number over and over, and let it ring for three minutes or more every time, and I got nothing. Not even a voicemail that would allow me to leave my name and ask them to call me back. There's part of me that secretly thinks they're intentionally making it hard for me to make complaints. I did a lot of looking online, and there are tons of employee complaints about how their concerns were ignored or overlooked. Somehow, I get the feeling that this might end up being my experience, as well. Somethings gotta give, one way or the other.

I need to update.

So here's my update. Exciting, right?

I got rid of my Christmas layout and only had a few hundred issues before Blogger would accept the coding changes. Maybe next time I change the layout, it'll be fully cooperative! Here's hoping. :) I probably won't change it again until a big holiday. (Halloween, most likely.)

The holidays were hectic for us. We did so much traveling! Thankfully it was all within TN/KY, but oh my goodness. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed. We went to my mom's for Christmas day, then back up to DH's mom's for Christmas day night, then back to our house to go to work, then back down to TN for BIL's wedding, then back to my mom's. Our poor little car got so many miles put on it. The wedding was beautiful and very sweet. The food at the reception was great. (Catered by Chipotle!)So now I have a new SIL. Hopefully she and I will like each other more than I like my own sister. (That sounds terrible, but there's a huge story behind it that I won't get into right now. Maybe a future post.)

I've been having problems with my left knee for a while, and I finally found out what the problem is. It turns out my kneecap doesn't sit in the right place, and it has been grinding away the cartilage. Um, ow. So now I have a big, sexy brace that I'm supposed to wear at all times, except when I'm sleeping. My orthopedist told me that I absolutely cannot squat at all, so I figured I needed to talk to my boss. Certain elements of my job require me to squat extremely often. He literally laughed at me and denied that I had any need for accomodations. He told me that if I need to deal with something on the bottom shelf, I can just bend upside down. I had to do a lot of that yesterday, and it made me ill from the blood rushing in and out of my head. Not to mention, it killed my back. So I don't know if I need to speak to HR since my boss is thorougly unconcerned and unwilling to accomodate me. I'm not a confrontational person, and I know that I don't have the guts to argue it out with my boss. Any suggestions? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Hope everyone is having a good new year so far. I've got high hopes for 2012.

I've officially entered the 21st century!

So yesterday, rather spontaneously, my mom decided that it was time to upgrade our cell phone plan. (Yes, I am still on my mom's plan. Don't hate. DH is on his parents' plan, too.) We switched from our ghetto AT&T plan with super craptastic phones, to Sprint and got smartphones. I'm now the proud (and obsessed) owner of a Motorola Photon. I have been playing with it non-stop since yesterday, after AT&T and Sprint finally worked out the kinks and got the service activated. I had to nerd it up and added a Darth Vader wallpaper and a "Hey! Hey, listen!" ringtone from Zelda.

Doing makeup for the wedding went incredibly well yesterday. Not to brag, but...I am a makeup genius. The bride looked incredible, and all her bridesmaids looked rockin', as well. I even did makeup for the mother of the bride, and did most of one bridesmaid's hair. I forgot to bring my camera with me, and I'm kicking myself for it because no one has posted any pictures from the wedding yet. I want pictures of the makeup to add to my portfolio, because I would love to go work for MAC cosmetics. Maybe someone will post something soon. Fingers crossed.

I'm in a grumpy mood today because of two things. One, a FB "yay, I'm pregnant!" annoucement from a girl I know. She's incredibly young, hasn't been married long, and probably tried for about 5 seconds before she got pregnant. She's due in August, which means she's announcing at around 5 weeks. That just makes me cringe, because I know what would have happened if I announced that early. I would've been writing a status a few weeks later having to tell the world that my body couldn't do its job and grow this baby properly. For her sake, I hope she doesn't end up regretting her decision to announce. The other reason I'm grumpy is because our "holiday hours" at work start today. Which means that instead of working 3-9, I'm working 4-11. I have no idea why on earth they think we actually need to be open until 11. I'm dreading it, and I know we're going to have virtually no business after 8:30. Drugstores typically are not someone's must-stop destination for last minute holiday shopping.

2011 needs to just end already.

How do I deal with horrible people?

I have a shift leader that I really, really can't stand working with. She is volatile, aggressive, rude, and tactless. I have seen her be incredibly snarky and impatient with customers, and corporate has even had to intervene on occasion. I honestly don't know why the company has bothered to keep her around, because she would be easily replaced. Things got to the point that I requested to my store manager that I not be scheduled with her. He agreed that he would avoid it if at all possible, but did point out that there might be occasions where he has to schedule me with her.

Occasions such as this Saturday.

I am honestly dreading it. I haven't worked with her in a while, but I briefly interacted with her yesterday and it was pure rudeness spewing out of her mouth for the whole 10 seconds. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she just couldn't resist being a jerk. I am seriously stressing out about having to spend an entire night with her; I don't know if I'll be able to handle it without breaking down. Believe it or not, I'm kind of sensitive to hatefulness. I've talked to other employees about her, and not a single person likes her because of her attitude problem.

Any advice on how to deal with people like this? I've already tried being really sweet and kind, and it does absolutely nothing to her. (Might even make her even worse, actually.) I feel like I'm going to end up bursting into tears and going home early. I'm not a confrontational person so I'd never have the nerve to just ask her, "Seriously, what's your problem with me? Have I done something to you?" But I'm at the point that something's gotta give.

It's back and I'm scared.

The spotting has returned in full force. I'm trying to remind myself that the ultrasound looked great, there was no bleeding around the sac, etc etc. Easier said than done. I'm praying lots and trying to stay calm, but again, easier said than done. Part of me wants to call into work and tell them I won't be in, because I'd love to just stay on bedrest today and not potentially hurt the situation, but they don't have anyone else who really works nights who would be able to take over for me.

If you pray, please send up a quick one for this baby. (And for me.) With God, all things are possible, and I know He can take care of the both of us.

The apple seed has graduated!

From blastocyst to embryo, that is. I'm 5 weeks, 1 day today, and the bloat is sorta kinda starting to recede-ish. At night, it's still fairly prominent, but it's less obvious during the day. Part of me enjoys the bloat, just because it's a result of being pregnant. I don't know that an hour passes without me thinking "Wow, this is really happening." I pray so often that this baby is healthy and that it stays put, and I'm thankful for every day that passes without incident. I don't want to rush through any part of this pregnancy, except maybe this week. Our first appointment with our midwife is Saturday, and I'm so antsy and excited that I feel like a kid on Christmas eve. She'll probably check my betas and we'll discuss all sorts of baby-related things.

DH's family reunion was this past weekend, and as usual, it was a loud, chaotic, crowded event. His family is huge. We decided that we would tell his parents that we were expecting, and their reactions were great. But then came the pressure from my MIL to tell everyone. I felt like I was being told, "Either you tell, or I will." I hated that feeling. This is my news, and I should be able to tell it on my terms. So I agreed to tell DH's immediate family, including aunts and uncles. That was already so much more than I had planned. The next day, DH's mom asked me if she could tell her cousin, and I flat out told her no. Absoutely not. This is MY news, regardless of how excited she might be about it, and it's up to me to tell people when I want, and how I want. I'm thinking the next time we have a baby, I'll be waiting quite a bit longer to tell DH's parents. I do not need any extra drama in my life, thanks very much.

I work from 3 to 9 tonight. Urgh. I just have to keep reminding myself, "This money is going to help pay off loans and save up for the baby." It's the only thing that makes it worth going. The job itself isn't bad or hard, it's just difficult to stay on my feet for so long. Sometimes the nausea hits while I'm working and it's really difficult not to just lay in the floor behind the register and cry. But I'm blessed that I don't have true morning/day sickness, so I'll suck it up and try to power through it. It's about time to go get showered and looking human, so I'll end this for now.

Life as we know it.

We're settling into our new home and our new life pretty well here lately. I won't pretend that I haven't had to adjust quite a bit, but I'm getting used to it. I'm already used to our home: remembering where everything is, walking through a room in the dark without tripping over anything, (except maybe a cat) and knowing the layout of the neighborhood. But, of course, as soon as I get used to one thing, something else changes.

Jesse and I have made the decision that we'll no longer be attending Eastside after next Sunday. It's not just because of the long drive, although that definitely is a factor. There's a really small congregation here in Franklin that would really benefit from having us. (Wow, that sounds egotistical.) They could use another song leader, and Jesse is a wonderful singer. There are tons of little kids and the preacher has triplets, and I love being surrounded by babies, so I'm very much in my element. It'll be hard to leave a couple of the people at Eastside, but really, I'll get over it. Quickly. It's been made easier by the fact that we were gone from Eastside for two weeks, and not a single person checked in on us to see why we hadn't been at services. Even my close friends didn't contact me. It made me realize that our presence there is virtually unnoticed. It won't hurt Eastside if we leave...they won't even feel a difference. There are a couple people there who have always said, "You can't leave Eastside! I'd be so sad!" but they turn down our invitations to hang out on a regular basis. Their only interraction with us is for a couple minutes after worship ends, before they rush off to lunch with their friends. And I guess that was my biggest hesitation in leaving, that my already-weak friendships will die off in a hurry. It shouldn't be that way, and it's not fair that my friendships should be determined by where I attend services, but that's life. When I lived in Bowling Green, we spent lots of time together and honestly, it was wonderful. But I can't control my friends and force them to make more effort. I guess I didn't realize how much of a factor convenience is for a relationship, but I sure do now. Moving to Franklin already made a huge shift in the dynamics of my relationships, but going to a new congregation will basically be the total end of it. It was hard for me to get past the "but I don't wanna" in my head, and go for the "this is what's best in the long run". It's challenging for me to give up on my own happiness in order to serve God better, but I know that leaving Eastside is the right thing to do. I just wish I could bring my friends with me.

I need to stop writing this and go take a shower so that I can get to the courthouse. I need to get my license updated with my new address. I hope I don't have to have cash to get it done, because I don't have any and we don't have a branch of our bank in this town. I have to update my license anyhow, but I'm mostly doing it today so that I can fill out some paperwork at my new job. I'm leaving the world of house-wifery for a while and heading back into retail. (Rite Aid, to be precise.) I would rather just stay home, but if I work, we can pay student loans more quickly and get them out of the way. Since that's our only debt, it'd be nice to get rid of it and not have to worry about any other payments other than monthly bills. We'll also put some of my paycheck in savings and build up some money for when kids come along, or unexpected expenses arise. Hopefully the job will be pretty basic, and I won't have any trouble learning new ropes. The manager seems super nice, so that's always a plus.

If you're actually still reading by now, +1000 internet points to you.

I think I did, I think I did...

I've started looking for a part-time job here recently, just to supplement our household income a little bit. I applied at Rite-Aid and it looks like I've got the job! (All within a matter of a few days. Nice.) They're waiting for the background check to run, and assuming I pass it, I'm good to go. I may have made a mistake on the paperwork that is making me ULTRA paranoid, but even that would just be listing an address that they didn't need. My criminal record is totally clean. I don't even have a speeding ticket, for crying out loud. So hopefully, I'll hear back from them soon. God is very good. :)

Jane Austen festival this weekend. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm planning to dress up. Yes, I am a total nerd. No, I don't care.

I have a warm, purring kitten asleep on my stomach. It's incredibly cute. I'm so thankful that we have these little furballs in our life. They're good little companions, even if they do stink up the litter box something fierce, and they occasionally fart on me. Life is good. Life is blessed.

My relationship with God is growing so much lately. I'm just struck by how many second (and third and hundredth) chances I've been given, and I'm tired of taking that for granted.

"Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last
'Til safe in glory my anchor is cast
Through endless ages, ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee."

Grown-up sleep over

A couple of my good friends are supposed to come spend the night tonight. This will be the first time they've been to our new house, or met our fur kids. For some reason, I am terribly nervous.

I've been cleaning all afternoon. In spurts. I will work on a task, finish it, and then hop back on the laptop for a little while. It keeps me from getting too burned out on cleaning. I was supposed to call around to some local business today and see if anyone was hiring, but I didn't. And of course, I feel guilty for that. I know that it would really help DH out if we had just a little extra money coming in each month, especially after our move. We're still hurting a little from all the deposits we had to put down. It sucks being in such a small town. There are so many less places to look for jobs. There's no mall, no shopping center, just a bunch of boutiques and a Wal-Mart. (And I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to work at Wal-Mart.) Hopefully I'll find the motivation soon, and the location. Sometimes I love being in a small town, and sometimes, I wonder why we did this.

I'm starting to really feel a little stressed out lately. We're on cycle 5, low on money, and DH is wanting to move to a new church. I've visited there a couple times, and it's a small, country, really nice little place. But I am really hesitant to leave the congregation where we attend now. It feels like home to me. It's where all my friends are, and it's the entire reason we moved back to Bowling Green instead of to a bigger city with more opportunities. I feel like it's going to be a really hard decision for me, but DH seems ready and rarin' to go. Sigh. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes.