A less than stellar prenatal appointment

Tuesday, I went in for a routine prenatal appointment. They did all the standard stuff...talked about aches and pains, used the Doppler to listen to little guy's heartbeat, and measured my fundal height. That last part? That's where things started to kind of get frustrating.

My fundal height was 28cm as of June 26th. On July 10th, it was 28.5. As of yesterday, it was 28 again. My midwife went ahead and ordered a quick growth scan, because that's not normal for things to not be growing for that long. I was definitely surprised, but if I think about it, I honestly haven't been looking any bigger in my weekly pictures for a little while. So, off to the u/s department I went. They checked my cervix, which is still long and closed. They measured the amniotic fluid levels, which were totally normal, and they measured the baby. They estimated that he's about 3.5 pounds, and the tech told me I'd probably hear from the doctor within 24 hours.

Less than 2 hours later, my midwife called me to tell me the results of the scan. (Love her!) Wee Laddie is measuring in the 8th percentile, so they're a little concerned. That's awfully small, even for a baby being born to short parents. (He was in the 22nd percentile at the 20 week ultrasound.) My midwife discussed the u/s results with one of their MFM doctors, and they both agreed that it's borderline, but Wee Laddie falls into the "growth restricted" category. I'm going to be having weekly biophysical profiles for a little while, and in three weeks they'll redo the growth scan. If he can get up to the 11th percentile, then I'll go back to normal prenatal visits. If he's still measuring abnormally small or has dropped in percentiles, then I'll be going in twice a week for non-stress tests and ultrasounds until he's born. Oh, and they'll be inducing me somewhere between 37 and 39 weeks.

Obviously, the most important thing is that he gets here safe and healthy. I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. But there is a huge, huge part of me that is horrified at the prospect of induction. This is not how I wanted things to go. I'm Little Miss Crunchy Granola...I was going to have a natural birth, get him here without drugs, without epidural. (Not judging anyone who has had a birth like that at all; it's just not what I wanted for myself.) Induction scares me because it increases the risk for a c-section, and I am terrified of that. I just want everything to be ok, with him and with me.

One good thing did come out of yesterday's drama...a beautiful 3D shot of my gorgeous little boy. Yep, this mama cried some happy tears when I saw his sweet face. I think he looks like his daddy (for now at least!).

How do I deal with horrible people?

I have a shift leader that I really, really can't stand working with. She is volatile, aggressive, rude, and tactless. I have seen her be incredibly snarky and impatient with customers, and corporate has even had to intervene on occasion. I honestly don't know why the company has bothered to keep her around, because she would be easily replaced. Things got to the point that I requested to my store manager that I not be scheduled with her. He agreed that he would avoid it if at all possible, but did point out that there might be occasions where he has to schedule me with her.

Occasions such as this Saturday.

I am honestly dreading it. I haven't worked with her in a while, but I briefly interacted with her yesterday and it was pure rudeness spewing out of her mouth for the whole 10 seconds. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she just couldn't resist being a jerk. I am seriously stressing out about having to spend an entire night with her; I don't know if I'll be able to handle it without breaking down. Believe it or not, I'm kind of sensitive to hatefulness. I've talked to other employees about her, and not a single person likes her because of her attitude problem.

Any advice on how to deal with people like this? I've already tried being really sweet and kind, and it does absolutely nothing to her. (Might even make her even worse, actually.) I feel like I'm going to end up bursting into tears and going home early. I'm not a confrontational person so I'd never have the nerve to just ask her, "Seriously, what's your problem with me? Have I done something to you?" But I'm at the point that something's gotta give.

I hate being afraid.

It's amazing to me how many things I'm "afraid" of in life. I'm afraid of the store I work in getting robbed. I'm afraid of having a car accident. I'm afraid of losing my husband or my mom. But, I never thought that "being pregnant" would be on my list of fears.

This cycle has been really emotional for me. My body recovered from the m/c really fast. I miscarried on a Saturday, and the bleeding was done by Thursday. I ovulated on my usual CD23, and now I'm in the 2WW. And honestly, I'm kind of scared. I am so afraid to be pregnant again because I'm terrified to lose another baby. But at the same time, I'm afraid to not be pregnant because I'm afraid it'll take us another 6 months to conceive. I know that the thing that matters the most is a healthy baby, and I would wait a long time for that, but that doesn't mean it'd be fun to wait.

I've been analyzing every little twitch, twinge, ache, and cramp. A lot of it is very similar to last cycle, which makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Part of me wants to test right now, but the anxious part of me doesn't want to test at all for fear of seeing the results. I'm at 10dpo and I'm telling myself that I won't test until at least 13dpo, so add three days to the waiting game. I guess I need to do a full-house deep clean and keep myself distracted. To quote a song from the band Mae: "To tell you the truth, I'm always waiting."

Waiting through another 2WW.

This is my least favorite time of the month. Seriously. This cycle has thrown me for a loop. Not because it has been flaky or particularly confusing, but because I ovulated significantly earlier than normal and it messed with my head. Our timing was still ok, and to be honest, we were thinking about trying for EOD anyhow, but it was really lucky we even managed it at all. Kinda caught us off-guard. It's so hard for me not to over-analyze everything my body is doing right now. I had tons of cramps last cycle, and it was a BFN. But these cramps are more painful and much more menstrual-like, and of course my brain is flipping the heck out. Sigh. My temp was up even more today, and if it gets any higher, I'll be tempted to test. Generally in my cycle, my temps start a downward trend tomorrow. We'll see. I'd love for this cycle to be "the one", but it either is or it isn't. Interestingly enough, my EDD would be April 1st. April fool's baby, or if they were a day late, they'd be born on DH's birthday. D'awww.

I'm getting pretty tired of TB lately. I'm not sure which I hate more...the P&R, or the overwhelming AEs who target people and harrass them mercilessly. I'm all for some healthy amounts of snark, but it's ridiculous to go after someone and make it personal. It's almost funny that people still act like bullies, just like they did in school when I was a kid. I thought I had gotten past all of that as an adult, but clearly, people have just changed their methods. I just find it incredibly obnoxious. The board hasn't been the same since all my "friends" moved on, mostly to the March board. I haven't heard from any of them since they moved on, and it sucks feeling like I'm by myself. Gabbly chat has been down, so I can't even talk to them outside of the board. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Could you tell?