...But what if I'm bad at this?

Part of me can't wrap my mind around the fact that this large, wiggly lump in my stomach is actually our child. That's a real person in there, a little life we struggled to create. We prayed for him, begged for him, took countless pee tests waiting for some news of his pending arrival, and yet...somehow, he still feels like a figment of my imagination sometimes. Like, there is NO WAY I'm going to go to the hospital and push out a real, live baby and that baby will be ours forever.

And then the part of me that accepts that he is, indeed, a real, live baby that will be ours forever can't believe that the idiots at the hospital will be dumb enough to actually let us take him. Are they insane? Do they realize that we have no idea what to do with a baby? DH has never changed a diaper in his life. I've never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours, myself, and I'm the "experienced" one.

I'm so scared of the change that this little guy is bringing into our lives. We're going to cease to be just Nikki and Nikki's DH. Suddenly, one day next month, we're going to become R---'s mom and dad. The closer I get to that day, the more I realize that I'm going to have to totally get to know this little stranger. How can he be a stranger when he's grown in my body for 9 months? How is it that he's going to come out of me, and yet I'll still have to learn everything about him? It just seems impossibly ridiculous that this is the way having a baby works.

I know all the hesitations and fears I'm having are totally normal. And honestly, I'd side-eye any first time mom who went into childbirth without trepidation. You'd have to be a crazy person to not be a little frightened by the prospect of a tiny life depending on you 24/7 for love, food, shelter, and comfort. But I still feel like I'm being "that" pregnant lady. The one who worries, "What if my kid doesn't like me?" He'll grow to like you. He's a baby. "What if I can't figure out what he needs?" You will. You'll learn to read his cries and his cues and if all else fails, call your doctor. "What if he grows up too fast?" He will. Just remember that through all the nights of sleeplessness, the thousand diapers a day, the anxiety and stress of newborn care. This too shall pass, and you'll wish you could have it back, so don't rush through a single minute of it.

I hope that somehow, this little guy knows how much I love him already. I promise, little dude, I will try SO hard to be the best mom I can be. Be patient with me. You're kind of a new experience.