I hate being afraid.

It's amazing to me how many things I'm "afraid" of in life. I'm afraid of the store I work in getting robbed. I'm afraid of having a car accident. I'm afraid of losing my husband or my mom. But, I never thought that "being pregnant" would be on my list of fears.

This cycle has been really emotional for me. My body recovered from the m/c really fast. I miscarried on a Saturday, and the bleeding was done by Thursday. I ovulated on my usual CD23, and now I'm in the 2WW. And honestly, I'm kind of scared. I am so afraid to be pregnant again because I'm terrified to lose another baby. But at the same time, I'm afraid to not be pregnant because I'm afraid it'll take us another 6 months to conceive. I know that the thing that matters the most is a healthy baby, and I would wait a long time for that, but that doesn't mean it'd be fun to wait.

I've been analyzing every little twitch, twinge, ache, and cramp. A lot of it is very similar to last cycle, which makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Part of me wants to test right now, but the anxious part of me doesn't want to test at all for fear of seeing the results. I'm at 10dpo and I'm telling myself that I won't test until at least 13dpo, so add three days to the waiting game. I guess I need to do a full-house deep clean and keep myself distracted. To quote a song from the band Mae: "To tell you the truth, I'm always waiting."