I hate this process.

I really do. No one ever explains to you how to grieve for someone you never got to meet. This was my baby, but I never got to hold them or hear them. I didn't get to see which one of us they looked like, or even find out if it was a boy or a girl. I just keep thinking, "This is so unfair." I have no idea how to process this pain. Jesse called my job for me and told them that I wouldn't be in until my shift this Saturday. I was scheduled to work Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but I ended up calling out for all of it. I just can't handle it right now.

We decided we're going to landscape in the back where I buried the baby. It deserves to be pretty back there. We're not sure what all we want to put in yet, but if the sun level is right, I would love to do hydrangeas. They've always been my favorite, and they're beautiful. We'll probably have to do it bit by bit, since landscaping can be really pricey, but it's something we both really want to do. We also decided that we're going to pick a gender-neutral name for the baby so that we don't have to call it "it" for the rest of our lives. It was born too early but it was still our baby, and I feel like it deserves to have a name.

I feel so empty now. Literally and figuratively. It's so strange that I'm not carrying a baby now, when I was pregnant just a few days ago. I'm struggling to feel useful anymore. Before, I was growing a person. It was so important and I felt so good knowing that I was doing this for my child. And now...nothing. I know it's normal to struggle for a few days, but at this point I feel like it's going to be almost impossible to move past this feeling. My body is still clearing out more of the "products of conception" which make it even harder to start healing. I just want this to be over.