Missing Finley

I'm missing our baby today. We decided to name him/her Finley; it's gender neutral and it lets us not call him/her "it" for the rest of our lives. I made a list of all the unisex names I liked, and DH and I narrowed it down until we got to Finley. It's nice having a name. I feel like this baby deserved to be named just as much as any other baby would. Finley was our child just as much as any babies we get to keep in the future.

I miss being pregnant. It was just...fun! I truly enjoyed it. (I say that, but then again, I didn't have morning sickness. Maybe I would feel differently if I had been sick all the time.) Obviously, the bleeding was terrifying and ultimately didn't end well, but the knowledge that I was growing a baby just made my life feel more meaningful. I couldn't wait for the bump, and my boobs had already started growing. (For a small chested girl, that was a big deal.) It's so odd to not be sharing my body with a tiny person anymore. It feels lonely somehow.

DH and I are trying to make the decision of when to try again. My midwife's recommendation is to wait two full cycles to let my uterus heal and get back to normal. She said there's a bigger chance that I'll miscarry again if I get pregnant too quickly. However, with the research I've looked at, I really don't know how true that is. There's not convincing research that getting pregnant quickly after an early miscarriage is any more risky than getting pregnant after three or more cycles. I know so many women who got pregnant immediately after a loss, and part of me is afraid to "miss my chance." I'm fearful that if I wait, it'll take me another 6 months to get pregnant again. At the same time, I'm afraid that if I get pregnant right away, I'll lose the baby again. It sucks not knowing if I really did have an SCH. I don't know if there's a tear in there that needs to heal or if everything is pretty much back to normal.

There is so much more that goes along with an m/c than I ever could have imagined. But today, I'm just missing Finley with all my heart and wishing everything had turned out differently.