Restarting the journey.

I miscarried last night at 8w1d. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, emotionally and physically.

My biggest fear, other than "How bad is this pain going to get?" was whether or not I would see the baby. I either haven't passed it yet, or I somehow missed it. I'll go for an ultrasound tonight to see if I've passed everything yet.

My midwife is recommending that I wait two full cycles to let my body heal and get back to normal. I'm fighting this idea. I've seen SO many women get pregnant the cycle right after a loss, and I'm afraid I'm "missing my chance," so to speak.

It's so bizarre to wake up today and not be pregnant, when I have been for the last month and a half. I feel numb, and sick, and empty. Part of me wants to just go crawl back in bed and sleep for a week or so. I'll have to go to work tomorrow and pretend that nothing is wrong. I'll have to smile and say "I'm fine, thanks!" when customers ask me how I am. (Seems like it'd be bad for business if I responded, "I just had a miscarriage, I feel like my heart is breaking, and I don't want to be here right now.") I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink, I don't want to even bother showering and getting ready. I'm not going to church this morning, which is really odd for me, but I just feel like I can't handle it. I don't know if my body is done yet and I don't want to discover that it's not mid-services.

Today, I am not pregnant. And I miss my baby.